29 January 2014

AS yourself

Earlier this week, I asked Jonathan if we could have a meeting. I needed to talk to him about an opportunity I have, his role, our commitment and let him know where my heart was pointed. Because the past few months have been transformative in my life and schedules are busy, I need to create time for us to talk. I needed to share. I wanted to share and he wanted to listen. So instead of watching the president speak, we sat at the table.

I was given a diagnosis a few years from my, at the time, therapist. 

I sat in the chair and he explained the diagnosis. Next he shared his treatment plan. He said it was very simple, then he explained. My plan for you to become unstuck is this: Shit or get off the pot. 

First of all, he said a curse word. This kind of language was not new to me, but from the mouth of a therapist, it was. Clearly he was different from those recommended by churches I've attended. Second of all, it couldn't be that simple. Third of all, who was this guy? Really, shit or get off the pot. Really? I needed instructions, steps, homework...or did I? The wrinkle between my eyes grew deeper with my perplexed expression.  OK, I hesitently answered. 

What I mean, 'becca is this, you must move forward with purpose and intention. You need to make decisions. I will continue to see you for a few months, but I will not be your therapist for years. I believe in healing and moving forward, not standing still. None of this week after week, the same thing. You pay me money, I listen, give a little advice, and take your money. The cycle continues. I want you unstuck and in order to do that you must work. 

Having seen a number of other therapists in my past, his words, his work, his ideas were odd. Others, happy to take my money. Happy to see my improve a bit, still stuck in a spiral of self doubt and defeat. This man, he was different. 

He wanted me well. The real question was this, Did I?

My weekly visits in his office only lasted a few months. Each time I worked hard to move forward. I moved quickly. He believed I was unstuck from the place where I was when I entered his office. Our time was complete. 

The pace I left his office with, eventually slowed. The patterns which took me to his office began to reimerge. Thoughts of self dobut and anxiousness were more frequent. Again, a pro at beating up myself so hard, I could see it in my eyes when I looked in the mirror. These behaviors were the behaviors he'd, and others, taught me to recognize. They had entered at a pace too slow for immediate recognition. It took time.

Stuck was slowly becoming part of my world and I was not going to let it own me again. I was ready for love. I had to fight hard and work and pray and trust. I knew what was necessary and for nearly a year I have been trying to talk myself into a space of courage, specifically having the courage to love.

Donald Miller (@donaldmiller)
For many people, the hard thing about “loving your neighbor as yourself” isn’t loving their neighbor, it’s loving themselves.

I have struggled with the verse, concept, way of living, for years. That is no secret. And I absolutely struggle with loving myself. I goes against the summer camp and youth group way of living I was taught year after year, Sunday after Sunday. I felt unworthy and underserving of even the last bite of a chocolate bar if others were around. It would be selfish to eat it and not give it to another, even if they'd just finished a bar of their own. Do you really think that's waht Jesus had in mind?  

God calls us to love him and love others and love ourself.  So, I am and it feels right and good. The steps of courage and intention I am taking are not steps of selfishness or greed. They are steps in the direction of becoming the woman God created. They are steps in the direction of using the gifts I've been given and following the God placed desires of my heart. 

These steps have led me down paths where I have no business walking, but know and trust that God will equip me, as I am unable to preform the tasks at hand alone. This is where I want to be. This is where I need to be. This is where I will blossom and grow. This place where I find my current self, this place is the place where loving God, others and myself collide.  This place gave me the courage to ask Jonathan for a time to sit at our table and meet. 

IIt felt funny to ask for a meeting with my husband, but I am thankful I did. It turned out to be one of the most importatnt conversations I've shared with him. Raw, pretty raw, not ugly raw. Purpose and love and intention filled. And yes, courageous. 

It's February and Super Bowl Sunday. We have a fire burning, Rotel on the cooktop and wings to season and bake. Snow is falling and Chas is clearning the drive. And I feel loved. By God and others and myself. 


Bodee said...

and I hope you know, SO deeply, by me...

'becca nimrod said...

Bodee, always! You are the best!! XO