Disappointment, a Swim & TED

I am not sure at what point in the morning disappointment entered my day. On some level, when I woke I was disappointed in myself. I'm my worst critic and often offer little or no grace & forgiveness to myself.  I know that in order to receive grace & love &  forgiveness from God and to offer it to others, I must offer it to myself. ('12 goal of kicking "I'm 3rd" to the curb, in action.)

I took the boys to school. I headed to the pool, filled my water bottle, opened the door to the pool & handed Tyler, a still warm, blueberry muffin. He's the guard who greets me & other swimmers with a smile and wave each Tuesday & Thursday morning. We visited, as we do most mornings, as I stall to enter the pool.

My swim workout sucked. It was easy and not really that long, 2400 yards. I usually love the pool. Not many people I talk to, who participate in triathlon, like swimming best. I do. Trying to make it through the Main Set of my workout, I thought about part of Robert Frost poem that had been shared with me earlier in the day and some of Paul's words written in the Scriptures.
I swam.
I finished.
I went to TRX and then went grocery shopping and did not buy only chocolate. I didn't buy any chocolate at all or even flowers for myself.

I came home, made espresso and watched TED talks as I cleaned the kitchen, made a mess preparing dinner and cleaned again. These are two of them I watched. The first made me cry and want her autograph after sharing a meal and hearing more stories.

The second didn't make me cry, because I couldn't imagine how cold he must have been. I did learn that sometimes you must forget all you have been taught in order to succeed. That thought has been rattling around my mind all afternoon. 

My boys came home to popcorn & a little pitcher of melted butter. They like it drenched, I don't; it's a compromise. We sat at the table, talked about their day, listened to pop music a little too loud from their iPods. They danced. I watched and smiled.

I'm choosing to use the disappointment as a chance to learn and understand. And I am choosing, although difficult, to offer myself grace and forgiveness, because it is with grace and forgiveness, joy and love I wish to live. I have to give it here, before I am able to give it there.